The 10 worst things about being an electronic music producer
Making electronic music can be hugely rewarding, and there are few
things that beat the sensation of listening back to a track youâve made
and feeling that youâve expressed yourself in a manner that transcends
language. However, itâs not all fun and games, and its frustrations can
range from the mildly irritating to the absolutely soul-destroying.
Music production is an often solitary pursuit, and itâs easy to forget
that there are electronic musicians all over the world who, just like
you, sometimes wish theyâd never been born. So, letâs celebrate our
shared misery by naming and shaming the very worst things about creating
tunes with technologyâŚ
1. No one understands what you do
One might reasonably assume that, in the 21st century, the notion of a
âmusic producerâ wouldnât be too challenging for the average human
adult. Yet it appears that this concept is outside the comprehension of
anyone that you meet in real life, especially your boyfriend or
girlfriend.
This becomes most apparent at social gatherings, where youâll invariably
be introduced as âa musicianâ. Naturally, youâll be asked what
instrument you play, and when the inexplicable sentence âI canât play
any instruments⌠I produce future garageâ issues from your blushing
face, youâll be written-off as either having a poor grasp of grammar, or
simply insane.
2. No one cares what you do
Even if you somehow manage to instil an understanding of your music
production endeavours in your family and friends, they wonât care about
it, and certainly wonât be impressed when your 37th release nudges its
way into the Beatport Deep Liquid Trance Top 1000 after selling three
copies.
Whatâs more, thanks to the democratisation of music production yielded
by increasingly affordable technology, everyone youâre friends with on
Facebook (including your bank manager and priest) also has EPs in the
Beatport Deep Liquid Trance Top 1000. If a link to a new tune on your
SoundCloud manages to get a twentieth of the âlikesâ a gif of a cat
falling off a table does, youâre doing great!
If a link to a new tune on your SoundCloud manages to get a twentieth of
the âlikesâ a gif of a cat falling off a table does, youâre doing
great!
3. You donât make any money
So youâve smashed up the deep liquid trance scene with another genius
single that took months to perfect, and now itâs time to reap the
rewards. But what will you spend your ÂŁ3.16 of royalties on? Itâs a
tough decision, but at least you know that thereâs no way youâre going
to develop an expensive drug habit any time soon.
Perhaps you could put it towards a new plugin? At this rate youâll only
need to release a new EP every week until the sun explodes to make
enough for a copy of Omnisphere 2.
4. Everyone can hear everything youâve ever released
Back in the good old days of vinyl you could get away with the odd dodgy track and people would forget about it soon enough.
Now, though, everything you release will be on Beatport and Spotify
until long after your death. Good luck getting rid of those older tracks
that set your teeth on edge with their shoddy mixdowns and overcooked
mastering: theyâll be available for anyone in the world to stream - and
judge - until the moment the Earth plunges into an ever-expanding ball
of fire that wipes out existence as we know it.
5. Hearing your music in a club is depressing
If youâve got any kind of critical faculties left in your worn-out brain
after spending 66 hours honing your latest opus, hearing it played out
in a club will almost certainly be a soul-crushing experience.
You could have put more energy in the low-mids couldnât you, you slack,
vain idiot?! In fact the moment you hear a piece of your music
post-mixdown and think that it sounds acceptable you might as well shoot
yourself in the face with a bazooka, because either your ears are shot
or your standards have become lower than a caterpillarâs bellybutton.
The moment you hear a piece of your music post-mixdown and think that it
sounds acceptable you might as well shoot yourself in the face with a
bazooka.
6. Terrible music is more popular than yours
These days one is judged on numbers of views, listens and followers, which is bad news for makers of underground dance music.
Even if you were to create the greatest deep liquid trance track of all
time, chances are itâd get about a thousandth of the views of a horrific
folk/big room mashup, or something that conforms to every dance music clichĂŠ going.
7. You have to deal with music software
Do you like updating software, fiddling with buffer settings, and
remembering dozens upon dozens of passwords? Fantastic, because youâre
going to be spending hours doing that kind of exciting stuff while you
wish you could be actually making music instead.
Plus, depending on your setup, youâre going to have to contend with
irritating copy protection, crashing software, and an 'operating systemâ
thatâs completely inoperable.
8. You have to listen to the same music repeatedly
Itâs been reported that playing loud music on repeat has been used as a
form of torture and, even if youâre monitoring at lower levels,
listening to the same track, 16-bar section, or even solitary kick drum
for hours at a time can drive one slowly bonkers.
Plus, you never know when your neighbours are going to snap and unleash
their gigantic and systematically abused pit bull Andrew on you.
9. People will slate you on the internet
Haters gonna hate, so youâre going to have to get used to being criticised online - even if youâre a dance music superstar.
For example, YouTube users find A Guy Called Geraldâs Voodoo Ray
"boring", claim that Frankie Knucklesâ Let The Music Use You has a
"disturbing" vocal, and opine that Derrick Mayâs Strings Of The Strings
Of Life is, of course, âshiteâ.
Thereâs also plenty of time for unsolicited production advice: in the YouTube comments world, Sub Focus âneeds more bassâ.
Haters gonna hate, so youâre going to have to get used to being criticised online - even if youâre a dance music superstar.
10. You wonât be able to use your skills in other fields
You might be able to program jacking house beats in seconds or make the
sickest bass sounds around but, sadly, these skills are totally useless
in the real world, thus rendering the hundreds or thousands of hours
youâve spent become an uber-producer an utter waste of time.
At least when society inevitably collapses youâll be back on a level
playing field with bankers, estate agents and re-branding experts, and
the nimble fingers youâve developed over the years will be ideal for
snatching up even the wriggliest of grubs before they burrow back into
the charred earth. Happy producing!